Satan Clause

Christmas is arguably my favorite season of the entire year. I literally begin the Christmas countdown on January 25. And it brings out the best in so many people! Especially Christians. What better time to use our deep knowledge of the Word of God to debate and argue with each other over deeply theological matters like Santa Claus? Questions are annually presented by well intentioned men and women of God (all of whom I love, respect, and appreciate deeply) as to whether or not it is appropriate, or even biblical, for families to take part in the great tradition of Santa Claus.  I used to be rubbed raw by the naysayers who sought to sully and overthink my favorite season of the year.  However, I've recently come to the light and begun to see things from their perspective.  That's right, I have come to the conclusion that Santa Claus is truly, inherently evil.  Consider my thoughts in my recent post in a forum on this important subject:

"Hey all,

I'm just going to say that my greatest objections to Santa are numerous and thoroughly researched. I garnered these facts following the investment of $33,000 dollars in a Biblical studies education. I have studied Greek, am an expert on TULIP (the only student to ace the Calvinism exam), and thus feel qualified to rise to join this spirited debate. I have concluded after 5 years of training that Santa is inherently evil. Consider the following facts:

1) First and foremost, if you transpose the letters of his name, Santa spells Satan.

2) Both stake their existence on the masterful use of lies and deception.

3) Like Satan, Santa (the other great Satan) is clearly depicted as parading about in a red suit. Tradition and written accounts substantiate this.

4) Both individuals are destined for fire: one in hell, the other in your furnace.

5) Like Satan, Santa sneaks in when you least expect it and fail to maintain your vigilant watch.

6) In light of the Sandusky trial, old men who lurk in the night and know our children's daily routines ought to be unapologetically classified as class-A creepers.

7) Santa promotes an entitlement mindset and is therefore only aiding to usher in the end times and a one world government.

For this reason I, as suggested by the great Jerry Seinfeld, choose to celebrate "Festivus (For the Rest of Us)".

In Christ,

Brad Lowery

P.S. I'm risking my potential classification as a heathen monkey on the basis that you all know me and that God has instilled in us a sense of humor. Let's all enjoy this season and each other by "majoring on the majors and minoring on the minors. " God bless and Merry Christmas."